Losing Myself !!!

I am confused...I don't know what has happened to me. I really want to know why it is happening to me? Why I have started hating this world, the people, my friends, myself… I’m scared of losing myself to the hatred, the jealousy, the enmity that’s taken root in me without my knowledge. It’s eating me up, my soul. This hatred….. I can’t find a suitable word for my feeling. I feel lost. I feel lonely.

There was a time when I was carefree, friendly, lovely. I lived in a world where I felt I was Complete, where my dreams were not just a figment of my imagination but my essence of living, my hope for a better, even lovelier world. Where I dreamt of meeting my princess and then we would have lived happily ever after. The happiness spread out from me was so infectious that people couldn’t help but get attracted towards me. I believed in everyone, even those who committed mistakes. There’s hope, I felt. Not everything was lost. Life can be lived again, rightfully this time.

Then why am I losing myself now? Why am I so mean and cruel and…and...bad? Why? Why do I find the wrong in everything and everyone? Why does a suggestion or advice given by a friend feel like a taunt, a punishment for my failure? Why do I feel so insecure everytime? As if everyone’s just playing games with me, with my feelings.

I have become cynical, embittered, suspicious. People, according to me, can only be described in three words – Liars, Selfish & Crooked!

Trust, purity of heart, belief in dreams, friendship, love – why do they suddenly not exist? Am I becoming a monster???

I want to run away from myself. I feel like I’m possessed, possessed by the most horrifying, disturbing and self-destroying thoughts which were locked deep, deep down in my head. Which, until now, I didn’t even know existed. It feels as if the lock has been opened and the key is lost. It feels irreversible. Like this thoughts cannot be locked again.

I want to find myself again. The happy me. I want to love again, to hope again, to trust again, to dream again. I want to live again. I just want to get rid of this hatred.

Keep reading, commenting, enjoying & cheering your Life.

 

Luv u all,
sHeHzU